March of the Zombie Dickheads
I was going to start by saying that generally speaking human
beings are decent creatures and when they walk into a big superstore they
become zombies but in fact many humans are Dickheads and when they walk into a big superstore they
become Zombie Dickheads. A more sympathetic eye might suggest that the
bombardment of displays and variety of goods on offer at a swollen, oversized
retail outlet, lets say CD/DVD store to take an example at random, is
overwhelming, plus a time limit and fear of having to queue at the end to
escape intact with ones goods can account for the array of symptoms. All of these factors are particularly
significant when considering the case of a tourist on account of the
language/culture gap.
The resulting panic creates a kind of ‘Mind Slow’ due to the
overload of information and collision of instincts, killer or otherwise.
Customers tend to lose basic skills and memory bank data first.
Confusion when attempting to decipher the alphabet is common, followed by
walking into staff members and other customers, impacting and apparently not
sensing it.
There are two Zombie Sub-Types, divided according to pride.
1)
The Increased Pride Zombie:
This type of Zombie is arrogant,
disrespectful and rude and will talk down to the staff they have asked for help
and pretend they already knew things to cover up how ashamed they feel at their
own stupidity. No prisoners should be taken when encountering these specimens
and immediate execution is recommended to avoid infection or indeed to prevent
the consumption of thine own brain.
2)
The Decreased Pride Zombie:
This type will be humble and pathetic and
surrender all self respect at the feet of the wise, commanding and savvy staff
member and while wallowing in the filth of their own shame will thank and apologise to their helper/ redeemer a
great many times during their visit.
Aftermath
These lucid and subjective thoughts can be found in the heads of
many customer service assistants across the globe and are as real as the sun in
the sky or a dog in the street after a long day on the shopfloor dealing with
salivating consumers but sober and out of context these ramblings and
spontaneously compiled classifications seem extreme. This is the nature of the
beast in our capitals lifestyle oriented retail outlets. Chew on my pulsating,
rupturing spleen for a while and think about sharing your own reactive venom,
the kingdom of heaven awaits you on the other side.
Drawing by Zachary K. Nyhus
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